⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️⚠️⚠️ : Do not continue to read if you have trouble with allowing others to choose what's best for their life.
I got pregnant once. In fact, it was shortly after this very photoshoot (see below) that I discovered I was pregnant.
When I initially found out, I was overjoyed... which is kinda strange bc after a life of being freaked out to get pregnant whenever I was "late" or had unprotected sex, it actually surprised the fuck out of me to learn that I could actually be truly happy after seeing that little plus sign.
HOWEVER...
This was back in 2016, and I had just had my spiritual awakening... I was quickly losing the identity and self image I had created and allowed others to project onto me.
Not only was I quickly transforming but I was also becoming very acutely aware of all of the compounded trauma within my energy field as well as in my body.
As I thought about this life changing event deeper, I realized that I had a difficult decision to make, which wasn't that difficult the more I thought about it, tbh.
If I were to have a child with the amount of unresolved trauma that I was still carrying around as well as all the misaligned FUCKED up beliefs about my self worth and all of the other drama dynamics and patterns I was still playing out... I KNEW that beyond a shadow of a doubt that IF I had a child at that point... I would've ended up dead at my own hands at some point.
Why? Simple, bc at the time, I didn't have a job and the money I DID have, came from my then bf/partner and now best friend, Marty. The money that he gave to me, allowed me to invest in healing myself. If I couldn't invest in myself and had to designate that money elsewhere (to a baby) I would've ended up killing myself. I know that may sound "dramatic" to some, but we've all been in that place and know how it feels to be in such a dark place so I invite you to be empathetic to where I was mentally & emotionally. I had been carrying so much trauma up to that point so to choose something or someone else over my healing was not a choice I was willing to make. I had been doing that for 35 years up until then...
I KNEW that my choice to terminate my pregnancy was in MY best interest and knew that from a much higher perspective, I was actually stopping the ancestral cycle of having a kid just bc you were pregnant, and then projecting all of your resentment and trauma onto your kid. I was breaking the cycle. I didn't fully understand it then, but over the years I have come to see just how powerful my choice was. I broke the cycle of karma as well. I'm not here to create more ties and karma. I'm here to break the patterns that I have been carrying for lifetimes so that, when I choose to consciously die, I'm not bound to play out fear based programming in my next life. I will ascend as a Master and help others from Spirit.
I also knew that, the soul that came in to have that experience was there to "dip their toe in the water" so to speak. They didn't want to be here as a fully embodied human and have a 3d life. Do I have "proof" of this? No. But I feel it in my bones and my blood. Again, there's so much that society does not understand or blindly calls "crazy" bc of their lack of understanding. There are souls that do this just to have some of the 3D experience but not a whole life, so they choose corresponding individuals, such as myself, to have experiences such as these. In our current societal understanding, it doesn't leave room for Higher perspectives such as these. We are conditioned to think from such a limited, linear closed off logical mind that it's almost impossible to conceive of a soul wanting this type of experience. I get it. These things aren't always easy Truths to accept from a human perspective.
We fight over what is "right" and "wrong" but IMO, there is only what is right for YOU as an individual. What is right for me, may not be right for you. And vice versa. And that is okay. But somewhere along the way, with all the distorted programming we've taken on from society or our own lineage, we've forgotten that Higher Truth. Somewhere within all the separation programming we've forgotten the Universal Truths.
I'm not here to tell ANYONE what is right for them. I'm simply here to share my perspective and MY Truth. My Truth is mine and mine only. It is not yours. MY Truth is not open for discussion bc I am a sovereign being who knows deeply in her bones what is right for her. I have done insane amounts of healing and shadow work to uncover MY own Truths and in those 4 very long years, I have come to OWN them.
I'm also here to remind humanity that there IS NO "right" and "wrong". These are simply perspectives we explore here in 3D where there is much duality and programming that seeks to coerce people to take a side. There is a third option, my friends. For this is NOT a duality but in all actual reality, a TRINITY.
The third option is neutrality. That doesn't mean not knowing what's "right" and "wrong" for Oneself. It doesn't even mean not having a stance, or knowing where you stand. That's all a part of Knowing your preferences and what you'd choose for yourself. Neutrality is about neutralizing all of the polarized parts within us to a middle-path wherein we see that all things are indeed ONE. Its finding wholeness within a society that convinces you that you must take a side. No one is required to take a side but that is the programming that is running rampant, desperately seeking to keep its grips within the goodness that is humanity itself. Neutrality allows us to embrace both Light and Dark. Black and White. Left and Right. Magnetic and Electric. Masculine and Feminine. We are ALL of it and yet none of it all in the same breath. And we have allowed the conditioning to confuse us into thinking that there is something "wrong" with either "side" of Creation itself.
Knowing Thyself SO deeply within your Spirit and embodying that Truth in your human, allows us to remember that others' choices don't bother you bc you INNERSTAND that YOU, and YOU alone, are the ONLY ONE who creates your reality. No one can do that FOR you. Yet so many of us still carry the programming that we must control what another does, as if it affects our reality or somehow creates our reality FOR us. And paradoxically, by buying into this type of fear based belief system, allows those who would have you give up your power to them, to use your own fear and polarized beliefs to create a reality wherein you are indeed, disempowered and defending an entire system rooted in fear, where everyone is suppressed.
No one has to like my decision. It was MY decision to make and I would have been the one to live (or die) with it. If I had it to do over again, I would've made the same decision. It was the best decision I made bc for once, I chose me. I will also add that it was a hard choice and YES it profoundly sucked to navigate the complicated emotions that surfaced for me after I terminated. It was also a situation where I was simultaneously releasing trauma for many of the women who came before me within my lineage. It was a tough decision that I believe only those who are cycle breakers came to do. I'm NOT saying that everyone who's a cycle breaker "should" choose this. As I stated above, what's right for me is not necessarily right for others. I followed through with what I knew in my heart and soul was the choice that was going to take me where I wanted to go in life and I encourage anyone who's facing a tough choice, to do what they FEEL within their being is the right thing for them
Thank you for reading. I love you.
Angelica
